true shade…real colour.

i have seen it in every teardrop my friend had shed…
i have noticed it in her every action…
i have felt it in her every scream of pain…

how could he do this to her?
she tried to do it all
just to keep everything in a solid piece.
attempted to stitch even the tiniest of all the pierce.

in every single minute, she thought of him.
wasted time she treasured so much
just to have it to remain precious.

in all her smiles,how she wished even one of it is true;
as natural as living when they were still…together.
she still wears it fake just to seem unaffected.
yet her eyes tell me everything i do not want to happen.

i understood how it became,
i have seen it all.
i have felt all the details.

it hurt me more, as well.

i could not help but to let all the tears flow.
i wanted to be honest to you, and as much as possible
to my self.
how could i do these to you?
how could i ignore every effort you have done just to have me back?
how could i not honor your love?
how could i hurt you so much?

i understood how it became,
i have seen it all.
i have felt all the details.
i have been hurt in realizing that i have hurt you much more.

i am sorry, ‘though you don’t want me to be.
i don’t want to let you feel the pain she felt.
i don’t want you to suffer even more.
i don’t want to let these things occur again.

then why would i keep the truth?
why would i hold it all back?
just why would i not tell you that i am still
feeling the same?

it was the time when they met again…

memories came flooding her mind. she remembered everything clearly; the day they first met, his looks, the way his fingers danced through the keys and strings, the way he impressed her so dearly, and the feelings he once had for her. she then wondered what could have happened if she had not left.

during the years of longing and missing, her heart was filled with something else, by someone else. she even had her focus fixed on that someone who came when she felt she was almost barren. aside from having God as her refuge, she knew she could not ask for anything else. But He Himslef opened her heart and let her enjoy in that someone’s company. they were trully happy. despite some difficulties, never did they feel uncomfortable with one another. she is committed to God, and in any way, had commited her heart also to him. he loved her to no comparison. she also did to him. but again, she had to…leave.

…by the time when she remembered everything, she couldn’t even throw a glance at him. ashamed. perhaps, she thought, the feeling was gone. but he continued to impress her. and he eventually faced her. it really was the first time they saw each other in close proximity. he sat beside her and she felt the numbness from within. later on, she felt the inner tremblings. she had her feelings for him caged for so long and she did not want it freed. she continually reminded herself of that someone. but at that very moment, she could not hold back even more…and she finally had it freed. he confessed and she could not react. he asked and she could not answer. she was all throughout confused. he had her madly confused.

she was about to leave when he immediately seized her hand. she shrugged to let her hand escape. when it was already free, he reached for it once again. he struggled and finally caught it. this time, she did not make any motion of freeing it. her hand felt comfortable being in his that she did not want to let go. they were in total silence. she smiled when he held her hand, while deep inside she knew it was wrong.

she did not knew the question yet the answer popped up in her mind…

in the end, there was no question at all.

it was really a tiring day for a break. wheew!

as usual, i am having most of my time sleeping. admittingly, i shoud get enough though. a new sem is now welcoming, and yes, i am not yet prepared. i haven’t even had my break as exciting as before! hmm… there’s nothing more exciting than sleeping for a day (or so?, just kiddin’). haha, that’s how lazy i became after going through that breath-taking sem.

but this day could be the most terrible for a rest-seeking, useless creature, boo, that’s me. and why? the left tire behind (the car, i guess? haha) had gone flat. it really was unexpected (although any driver should expect it, anyway). my sister should be buying some keychains for church friends. unfortunately, because of that round thing, buying stuffs came to a halt. poor sister, the burden was on her. she has always been the driver, that’s why. guess what, working on the the tire became the main course. ughh.. i really did not thought of waking up early to fix a car. but that was still a good thing! i mean, it was good that i was with her when it happened. somehow, she had an instant assistant! *btw, my sister is the best driver that i know (next to my dad…and oh, my brother too!), haha* ok, i am winking… 

too bad that my brother wasn’t around to help us deal with it. *feeling amazed…* only the two of us, both females, imagine?! anyhow, it wasn’t really a big PROBLEM at all (i was just exaggerating, obviously). haha! the only thing that p****d me off was seeing biologically male species with two legs just passing by without offering any help! where did all the "gentlemen" go? have they all gone migrating? dying somewhere else? what the… *frowning*

somehow, doing all those stuffs with my sister is so fulfilling. even if it means being soaked in real sweat, it is always worthwhile. being with my sister zenna is like being with my true self. thanks ate, for everything! hmmph… *tears, tears* thinking that i will be missing my sister (so much), the flight on the sixth will be delayed! haha… so much for the DELAY!

yup, you got me thinking about what i mentioned earlier: this day COULD be the most terrible… i only said COULD, but it really wasn’t. it was actually one of the days i WILL really MISS MOST… i should never be nostalgic these times.

‘k then, i should have more sleep.

Goodnight!

*btw,  the sunset was so nice… and the bright full-moon reminded me of someone…i have been missing so much.*  *sigh*

gawa ng stress…i am.

ever since i arrived home, i have been preparing my self for what my relatives and friends (here) would comment on me. be it on my acads, my social life, and yes, got it, my physical appearance!

i remember when i got home last year, everyone has been telling me that i am fatter than usual… but now? not a single of them told me the same compliment. All of them are saying, ‘ang payat mo na…’. But i felt such great relief when my uncle saw me and whispered, "ang taba mo ah!". And i replied, "talaga po?", with a grin.

Just awhile ago, my sister and I were talking about people’s comment on my being too skinny (lately). I even told her that i will throw a party if someone tells me I’m fat. It was a joke, obviously. Of course, who else would think that im serious? it is just like thinking who else would tell me i am not skinny at all?

I was smiling while talking with my uncle. At last, there’s at least one! But after the talk, he smilingly added, "Sam, ang kabaliktaran nun!"… Oh my!!! What the… Just i thought he did not saw me for years that’s why he did tell me i am fat(?). But he was just telling me otherwise… Oh well, as the cliche goes, Life is ironic. It reallly is! haha…

Guess i will have to eat up tons of stuffs this (remaining days of) sembreak! Aha! I really have to gain weight. Before i forget, Baby and I have this contest: higher delta mass…err, higher delta weight! the one who gains more wins… *smug*

Of course, I will win… can’t wait to have my prize! *wink*

and now… after a long time, i have chanced to sit here and…and…do what i am doing now. haha!

whew! it was really a tiring sem! yet, there are still lots of reasons to cherish a ‘yesterday‘ that’s full of ambiguities. the fact that i met, err, not really met, but have known a special person better, it could already be enough to halt the rest of the sem… yeah, just hoped that it really ended just to skip the teary moments.

oh well… right now, i am only having more or less than two weeks to celebrate this break. yup, at last, i am home. i am happy to be with my family, to be in a place where i can have no worries: what time to wake up, where and what to eat, where to go, what to submit, what to do next…stuffs i usually worry about in a place other than my own abode. i am really glad being in here!

there’s no place like home, they say. but surely there is. if you are in a place where you can be at peace and totally free, hmm, then it is like home. *haha, epal na naman*

basta! masaya po ako dahil nakauwi na po ako sa amin… hmm.. of course, the overnight moments was really a terrific (what can i name it?) sem-breaker *haha* or… sembreak-opener??!! *smug* thanks to mighty five, parents and friends… haha!  <i have another entry for that! adik!>

haha, ok… now i am breaking>>>>having a break, that is. a total break.

break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.break.

ang mga salamin kasi ngayon ay maaaring magsinungaling. ang mga iyon ay yung mga ‘nagpapaganda’, ika nga, upang mabenta agad. bibihira na lamang yung mga nagsasabi ng katotohanan. ang iba, nakakahilo, talagang di maintindihan! minsan nga, ang hirap pang maaninag ang sarili mong imahe. malabo. pati sarili mo, di mo matiyak. mapapatanong ka, ikaw ba talaga yun? o ang dating ikaw? o kaya’y ang sariling inaasam mong makita? siguro nga naiba na ang imaheng nakikita gawa ng panahon. sayang naman, nalumaang salamin. yung iba naman, wala na…basag. mas masahol pa ito sa lumang salamin kasi nga, malas daw. wala kang ibang makikita sa salamin na ito kundi ang wasak na imahe mo. sabi nga nila, wag na wag manalamin sa basag na salamin…malas.

salamin, salamin, kailan mo ako sasagutin?

    paalam na…
                        salamin, salamin…          
                                                                                                                                         
                                                                                              

i believe that there are still lots of entries that should come before this one. but i think it is really necessary for me to blog it all out. now.

in the coldness of the night,
i feel His warmth.
i see His bright light.

in the quiet,
i hear His call.
His arms so ready
allowing me not to fall.

in my doubts
He enlightens me.
In my seeking,
i found His Glory.

His Love,
Oh Him.
He is all i need.
He is all we need.

And Im so sorry if i thought not at all.
sorry, if i hurt you and caused your fall.
sorry if i pained you so much.
if i have to leave you,
even if it hurs,
so i will do.

we are never alone, never.
i pray you feel His presence, too.
He has changed everything for real.
And now, anyhting for good is what i feel.

ang dami kong iniisip ngayon eh. di ko alam kung san ako magsisimula. gusto ko nang umuwi samin. parang ang bilis ng panahon diba? parang kelan lang, pumipila pa ako para sa enrolment. tapos ngayon, ilang linggo na lang, uwian na. di ko alam kung matutuwa ako sa pagtapos ng sem na ito eh. siyempre, masaya, dahil makakauwi na nga ako. oo, malungkot din, ilang weeks din yun… haha, ang OA ko naman… ilang weeks nga lang diba? acads pa, nakaka-pressure na acads.

ang daming nagbabago eh… pagkakakilala, mga tinginan sa isa’t isa, mga pagkakaibigan… panahon nga naman. nakakapagod isipin na di lahat ng bagay ay pwedeng manatili sa kung pano mo ito gustong maging sa panghabang-buhay. malay ko ba, pwede kasing ngayon, nariyan sila… tapos, sa isang blink lang, wala na. tulad ng kahapon, kaibigan ko siya…ngayon, kaibigan nga ba talaga? namimiss ko ang mga bagay na dati kong ginagawa, na di na ngayon. ano nga ba yung mga yun? di ko alam. di ko po alam. busy na eh. pasensya… busy na para isipin pa kung ano yung mga iyon…

isa kong friend may sakit till now, yung isa, namimiss ko na, nakaka-YM ko lang, isa pa, nakikita ko naman, di naman kami nagpapansinan, yung iba, tila naglaho na, roommate ko dati sa kalai, nawala lang din bigla…parang pag nawala yung fone mo, wala na rin kayo sa memory ng isa’t isa. hmm, di naman siguro. baka yung iba lang… sige, selected memory loss… haha… basta sana ok naman silang lahat. kung ok ang lahat edi ok din ako…

tulad ng sabi ko sayo diba, ok ako pag ok ka… pag di ka ok, di rin ako ok… pero usually, ok naman… haaayz…

okay, im not making any sense na… God bless na lang sa lahat…

paalam!

hehe.. just got this from my mail a while ago…

hmm.. totoo kaya? some could be very evident eh, kaya nagulat ako.. wahehe…
*walang magawa tonight*galing erg night*bangag sa exam*still happy*really*

heto na, november babies daw ay:

        Trustworthy
and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times.  Knows how to
have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and
outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very
emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very
social in a group. Fearless and independent.  Can hold their own.
Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest
men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with
someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up
sometime this month.

        Haha.. la talaga magawa eh, ano? hayz, movie na lang! ngayon lang kasi to… may upcoming exams na naman… hmmmmph..

natapos rin ang exam sa EEE 43… may mga nagtatanong kung kumusta raw ba. syempre, wala akong ibang sagot kundi ang aking dati pang ibinabalik sa mga nagtatanong, "Exam pa rin, as usual… As if may nagbago.. Hmm.. Bagsak? Bagsak… Wag naman sana.." Oo nga. Wag naman sana. Ngayon pang… haaay..

masaya pa rin naman *as alaways* ang buhay ko. mas ok pag di ako gaanong napepressure, o kaya, walang masyadong maraming nampepressure. siya nga naman, ok din pala na may maraming nag-eencourage sayo. tama lang ang mga pag-eencourage. Encouragement lang please, ok na. super ok na.

at ano pa? hmm… masaya rin ako dahil pagkatapos ng ilang libong oras na dumaan, ngayon lang  ulit ako nakapaglaro ng isa sa mga paborito kong sports - ang table tennis. ay, grabe.. ang pawis ko, di mapigil sa pagtulo.. para bang ulan sa labas ng aking silid. O well, namimiss ko na rin pala ang ritmong nagagawa ng paghampas ng raketa sa bola. saya!! ritmong ulan din ba? hehe.. =D saya nga diba?!

syempre happy din ako dahil sa mga tao sa paligid ko… sa kanya, at sa inyong lahat.. =D
oo.. marami akong rason para maging masaya.. lahat na! lahat na ng pwedeng isiping rason, tubig, kuryente, hangin, food, friendhip, love… oo, lahat!

pero alam niyo ba, higit na masaya ako ngayong araw na to dahil alam kong may isa akong frend na masyang-masya rin.. hmm.. bago lang siyang nagdiwang ng kanyang pagiging 19 yrs dito sa ibabaw ng mundo. haha… Terence, happy birthday! I wish…*.**.***.. sikret! *wink* utang ko na lang muna gift ko sayo… hehe…

Salamat sa Kanya sa lahat-lahat… Sobra!

ping!
pong!